Monday, June 13, 2011

Five days

Some pictures for your sake and some random journaling for mine....

It hasn't been that hard of an adjustment--yet. My mom (who is heaven sent) has been on cooking duty, Jason has been on kid duty and with all the naps and sleeping in I've probably slept more than I have in a month. I feel kind of guilty. Ryder sleeps for like 23 hours a day so sometimes I forget I have 4 kids. I know this is the honeymoon period and once he hits 2 weeks it will all change since he'll be awake more and all my help will be gone, so I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

The hardest part has been trying to give the other kids the same amount of attention. Kylie has already made comments like "how come everything is always about Ryder" and "if I got burned on the stove you probably wouldn't even care because all you care about is Ryder". Sometimes when they climb on me and hug me and just want to snuggle, my initial reaction is for them to get off so I can have my space. I hate that. I want to want to hold them as much as before.

I avoid answering the phone the first week home.

I miss having time with just Jason in the evenings after the kids go to bed since now I'm too tired to stay up past 9. Last night we had a movie date night and watched "Just Go With It" on the laptop snuggled in bed eating ice-cream and popcorn. It was lovely.

My heel went numb during my last trimester, and it still is.  Weird.

I feel bad admitting this, but I wasn't baby hungry before or even during my pregnancy. This worried me. I saw other babies and they were cute and it was nice holding them for a short period of time, but I never got that ache in my bosom that you're supposed to feel. It was more like I knew we were going to have 4 kids and the timing was right. I am so glad that has changed. I find myself wanting to do nothing but hold him and stare at him all day. I want to memorize every feature and facial expression and watch him get bigger with each passing minute, wishing I could stop him.

I have sworn off nursing about 5 times now. The cramps kill, the latching on makes me cry and I don't even have enough milk to make it worth it. By the time I nurse on both sides, feed him a bottle and change his diaper, 45 min has passed and what mother of 4 has that much time every couple of hours? But then the next time he cries, I feel what little milk I have letting down and then I am stricken with guilt for being so selfish so I give in to one more last supper.

I get insanely clingy when I'm postpartum.  I hate when Jason leaves and he has a million business trips coming up.

I love his chicken legs. With every feeding I know those skinny little legs are going to start fattening up and turn him into a baby not an infant.

The first two nights he woke up only once, going 4-5 hrs between feedings. The last several nights have been every 3 hours, but I can't complain. This will be my last time having a newborn to wake up to in the middle of the night, that makes me happy and sad at the same time.


Chelsea said...

Aw, he is perfection. Dare I say that I just had de ja vu when looking at his pictures. Now I know who he looks like: Na Na. All the way.

I miss you! So glad you are getting spoiled over there!

Michelle Y. said...

All I can say is that it gets better! Now Tallen is 3 1/2 months and I feel like I am in a good place. The first couple months were crazy and I felt like the most neglectful mom. I felt bad when Tallen was taking all my time and then I felt bad when he didn't need my time but I needed to hold him and I wanted to be with him more than my other kids because I knew it would all go by too fast. Oh, the mom guilt!

Jodee said...

Oh those girls, they already know how to make you feel like such a good mom ;)
enjoy the sleep, hopefully he never goes backwards and only sleeps more and more. He is so adorable and those pictures are precious!
Take care of yourself! I miss you!

Janessa said...

Keep the pictures comin'! This auntie is needing her some Ryder! That boy is so adorably precious. I could just put a dollop of whip cream on him and eat him for desseret. I love his beautiful eyes. I'm glad you were able to snap some open eye shots during his one hour of awake time:) I'm sorry Jason has to be out of town so much so soon. Oh how I wish I was there to take care of you after mom leaves. I'm glad you're getting lots of rest and recovery time now atlest. Good luck with the nursing. That's so hard. I just love you and Ryder (and your whole family for that matter) so much!!! That last picture of you kissing his head makes me jealous. I'm glad I've got me a baby to love on too:) Make sure that baby know how much I love him!

Marisa said...

I LOVE the pictures!!! You are quite the photographer these days! I also loved reading the birth story.

I can so commiserate with everything you said. I HATE nursing...and feel so guilty about it :). I did make it to 4 months with Cole but just couldn't do it after that. But I almost stopped a million times before that. I actually did stop for 10 whole days and Cole became so colicky and so I tried in desperate one night to nurse again and he latched right on. I was relieved...and also unrelieved to be back at it again. I'm just not good at nursing. But have finally come to terms with the fact that you just do what is best for you and your family. Cole literally nursed for an hour and then I had an hour break and was back at it for another hour (sound familiar :)) and so a couple of months ago I decided it just wasn't working for all of us.

Sorry for the novel! My neighbor and I were talking after I just had Cole and she said that 6 weeks is always the magic number for the new normal to kick in. She'd just had a baby and I had totally forgotten with our big space. And I totally agree. Every week got better as I felt better, too.

I'm SO glad you have tons of help! Keep the cute pics coming!!!

Oh, and I stole a ton of your ideas from last summer and posted them on my blog. I gave you credit, though. I hope that's okay!!

Pays said...

He is just beautiful!! Congratulations!

Suni said...

My girls always say why are their so many pics of Averi and not us! I'm still trying to balance my time. It's hard when you know it's your last you don't want to miss out on one moment.... it's a different feeling!