Monday, January 10, 2011
So it's a boy. And here's the deal: I am so grateful that he is healthy, I am so grateful to be pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy, and I am so grateful that I already have a girl, and I love my boys and couldn't imagine life without them, but darn it I'm a little sad too. I'm sad because Kylie wants and needs a sister so bad. She said she couldn't sleep at all last night because she kept thinking about all the fun things they would do together...share a room, wear matching clothes, paint nails...and I'm sad that she's sad. I'm sad because there are so many adorable little girl clothes and accessories that I've been dying to buy. I'm sad because after making hundreds of hats for other people's baby girls I've been dying to make one for my own. I'm sad because my friend has the cutest baby girl hand me downs that she said I could have. All that stuff seems trivial but I'm also sad for other reasons. I'm sad because I'm worried that once they get married I'll lose my boys. It's natural to spend more time with the wife's family and when she has a baby it's her mom she's going to want to have there, not her mother in law. I'm sad because for 6 years I'll have boys on missions and will be worried sick about them on the other side of the world. I'm sad because I am feeling very inadequate when it comes to boys. I feel pressure to raise these valiant "stripling warriors" in these last days and I'm worried that I won't provide the spiritual background that they need to become strong priesthood leaders and missionaries in these challenging days. I'm sad because I don't know if I can be an eagle scout mom three times over, that's alot of projects! I'm sad because I wanted to be done. Today I was supposed to pack up all my baby boy stuff and start getting excited for the next stage of life, but now I'm wondering if we should try for one more (for Kylie's sake as much as my own). So today I am allowing myself to be sad and tomorrow I can be excited to have another little momma's boy that will melt my heart just like my other boys.