Sunday, September 15, 2013

Fulfillment (i.e. soul searching 101)


I had a dream last night.  It was a Supermarket Sweep style dream at Walmart. I ran through the aisles grabbing everything that is virtually impossible to find here or is so expensive that it's a rare luxury... Tostitos, stick deodorant (I thought roll-on deodorant went extinct in the 80's), and Red Vines. I'll take two of those. The homesickness comes in waves.  This past week was a little on the rougher end of the spectrum.  All three kids came home from school on Friday with tears in their eyes and stories of getting picked on, being called a mean name or pushed (but the way they stood up for each other made me realize we must be doing something right).  The novelty of being the new kid is wearing off, they still love it and have found some great friends, but I think the kids here come from such diverse backgrounds and have much thicker skins.  Kylie had a meltdown the other night because she is so worried that she will get behind in school and won't be able to get into a good college.  Their old school taught a grade level ahead and I think it's good for her to have a review since she struggled with a lot of the new concepts before, but she is scared that she will have a hard time catching up when we get back.  Maddox tells me almost daily that he's ready to go home.  This has been a fun vacation, but he wants to go home. Today he told me, "I just don't feel like myself because I'm not at home".  I've also been struggling lately with feeling productive.  Darn that guilt gene that manifests itself the minute we become a mom.  We feel guilty that we're doing too much, then we feel guilty that we're not doing enough.  I snapped this picture of my calendar before we moved:


Now I don't even own a calendar and even though I never check the calendar on my phone, I still will add things in there just so I feel important.  Even if it already happened a week ago. Oh, we had the missionaries over for dinner last Wednesday, better add that in.  When my head would finally hit the pillow at night I used to rattle off my laundry list of the day's accomplishments to Jason with pride and satisfaction.  And now I'm trying to learn to appreciate that this time here without all the distractions is a gift. That I don't need a full calendar to fill important.  This isn't me complaining, I'm not expecting anyone to feel sorry for the girl who has nothing better to do than frolick carelessly on the beach with her kids, this is me trying to talk sense into my guilty conscious that is trying to tell me that what I'm doing isn't enough. My self worth isn't measured by the length of my to-do list.  The carpools and appointments will be there waiting for me when we get back, but for now being "just" a mom is enough.  In fact, it's more than enough.  Spending a gorgeous weekend together with my heart and souls is what we all needed.  A reminder to not take for granted this beautiful opportunity that we have here.  A reminder that helping to raise this little family of mine is the most important job I'll ever do, and that right now just being there for them is all I need to do in order to feel fulfilled.



























7 comments:

Tyson and Dawn Jolley said...

It's good to see you slowing down. You did always seem so busy that you were thinking of what is next before you're done with your first activity! The times we were over your house I hardly ever saw you have a minute of just sitting and relaxing. You go go go! You deserve to be this go with the flow mama and your kids do too! Love maddox's underwear!!

Janessa said...

Sure, you live in paradise. Given that, you're still human. You still have emotions and needs. You are such a goer and doer. This is a huge change in lifestyle for you guys. My heart hurt when I read about the kids being mean to my niece and nephews. Poor kids! I guess it's all part of life's lessons. You are such a fantastic mom! What a great opportunity to discover where to find your worth as a mom if not a checklist of accomplishments. Thank you for searching and sharing your findings. Love you all so much. OH, and that cute little whitey-tighty bum:) Fantastic pictures, as always!

Chelsea said...

ditto, ditto, ditto to your sister's comment! But I have to say my heart broke reading Matix's comment about not feeling like himself because he's not at home! Thats not only sad but really emotionally mature for such a little guy! Heartbreaking to hear all that about the picking on and homesickness. Like you guys always do, you will always find the best and make the best of everything, so I'm not too worried, but I do miss you! and our chats! And I'm also glad to know that I'm not the only one who adds things to my calendar after the fact--for some reason it helps me to know I was productive and had things to do that kept me busy or an excuse why I didn't blog or blurb-- ;)

Jodee said...

That is the worst. I hate knowing my kids were sad and I couldn't help them. I am sure there have been so many of these "brave" moments in your journey over there. And each one is making you all stronger and better. Hang in there. We are all over here rooting for you. Loves

marcee said...

Oh how I relate to all of your concerns and worries and oh, the guilt! I think my guilt gene is extra large, or double for that matter. Just look at your beautiful children and anyone can see that you are a wildly successful woman- in ways that most "successful" women will never know.
PS- adding things to your calendar after the fact? Just another way we are much alike. :)

Ali said...

It's a beautiful post Jamie. I always find your posts a bit of a tease, like I have to look through multiple times to choose my favourite photo - but there are so many favourites!

I was wondering about you having a harder week... whether you might have had a harder week also at home... this time y'all put it down to homesickness.. but had you been home there might have been another reason... for the same rolling/waving of emotions that we anyway seem to live with. Good weeks do get followed by bad weeks. But what I love about what you're doing now is being a mum with space in her life to discover new things...

All that said, wishing you mostly very happy days Down Under!!

Thinking of you from all the way up here,
Ali of the Alps :-)

Dr. Mulder said...

Your photography leaves me breathless, envious, amazing, longing for country life, and inspired! Seriously! I wann come live with you (with a dryer). Awesome!!!