I had a dream last night. It was a Supermarket Sweep style dream at Walmart. I ran through the aisles grabbing everything that is virtually impossible to find here or is so expensive that it's a rare luxury... Tostitos, stick deodorant (I thought roll-on deodorant went extinct in the 80's), and Red Vines. I'll take two of those. The homesickness comes in waves. This past week was a little on the rougher end of the spectrum. All three kids came home from school on Friday with tears in their eyes and stories of getting picked on, being called a mean name or pushed (but the way they stood up for each other made me realize we must be doing something right). The novelty of being the new kid is wearing off, they still love it and have found some great friends, but I think the kids here come from such diverse backgrounds and have much thicker skins. Kylie had a meltdown the other night because she is so worried that she will get behind in school and won't be able to get into a good college. Their old school taught a grade level ahead and I think it's good for her to have a review since she struggled with a lot of the new concepts before, but she is scared that she will have a hard time catching up when we get back. Maddox tells me almost daily that he's ready to go home. This has been a fun vacation, but he wants to go home. Today he told me, "I just don't feel like myself because I'm not at home". I've also been struggling lately with feeling productive. Darn that guilt gene that manifests itself the minute we become a mom. We feel guilty that we're doing too much, then we feel guilty that we're not doing enough. I snapped this picture of my calendar before we moved:
Now I don't even own a calendar and even though I never check the calendar on my phone, I still will add things in there just so I feel important. Even if it already happened a week ago. Oh, we had the missionaries over for dinner last Wednesday, better add that in. When my head would finally hit the pillow at night I used to rattle off my laundry list of the day's accomplishments to Jason with pride and satisfaction. And now I'm trying to learn to appreciate that this time here without all the distractions is a gift. That I don't need a full calendar to fill important. This isn't me complaining, I'm not expecting anyone to feel sorry for the girl who has nothing better to do than frolick carelessly on the beach with her kids, this is me trying to talk sense into my guilty conscious that is trying to tell me that what I'm doing isn't enough. My self worth isn't measured by the length of my to-do list. The carpools and appointments will be there waiting for me when we get back, but for now being "just" a mom is enough. In fact, it's more than enough. Spending a gorgeous weekend together with my heart and souls is what we all needed. A reminder to not take for granted this beautiful opportunity that we have here. A reminder that helping to raise this little family of mine is the most important job I'll ever do, and that right now just being there for them is all I need to do in order to feel fulfilled.