Thursday, January 08, 2009

You Know You're a Mom If....(part II)

So two years and another kid later, I've got plenty more to add to my original list (scroll down the the Nov. 16th post). Here's to the more glamourous side of motherhood....

You know you're a mom if....
*you've ever found yourself subconsciously rocking back and forth, even when you're not holding a baby (this may also happen on occasion while holding small animals)
*you've ever pulled off the public toilet squat while balancing a baby and zipping and buttoning your jeans one handed
*complete strangers have ever cornered you and given you advice on nursing, intimacy after delivery, or anything to do with raising your child
*you don't think twice about digging nasty boogers out of your baby's nose (you do think twice once they get older, though)
*you've ever graciously taken candy offered to you by your child, only to find out later that those same hands that gave you the candy are the same unwashed hands that collected worms moments earlier
*you're able to recognize your child's cry in the hallway while sitting behind a closed door at church
*you've ever smiled as your child insists on pointing out every blemish on your face...in front of other people
*you've ever calmed your child's fears as they look in horror at your dry, cracked feet and worry that your skin will fall off and you'll become a skeleton
*you've ever caught a frog, lizard, grasshopper or any other thing that gives you the heebie jeebies just because you know it will make your kids happy
*you've ever worried that your baby will never fall asleep while you're letting them "cry it out", then once they finally fall asleep you worry that they've stopped breathing so you go check on them, only to wake them up and start the cycle all over
*the real reasons you're still breastfeeding are so that your period won't start and so that you have a good excuse to get out of fasting on fast sundays (just keeping it real)
*you've ever worn a hairdo, makeover or manicure done by your child out in public
*you've ever been busted by your kids for forcing them to eat a certain vegetable, meat, etc. when you won't eat it yourself
*you've ever treated a doll or stuffed animal as a real member of the family
*you've spent 1/3 of your life inside Chuck E Cheese or Peter Piper's Pizza
*you've ever lied to your kids and told them that "Astroglide" was hair gel, or that a condom was a balloon (and then made up an excuse when they ask you to blow it up)
*you've ever found yourself repeating (for your sake more than theirs), "accidents happen, accidents happen..." while cleaning up an entire pot of chili that is splattered across every square inch of the kitchen
*you've ever been tempted to lie about your kid's age to sneak them into nursery early while visiting another ward
*you think you're doing a good job monitoring what they watch on TV by allowing them to only watch shows you've recorded on DVR, only to walk in and see them deeply enthralled in an episode of "Desperate Housewives" that you've recorded
*you've ever lied and told your kid that you have no idea where the McDonald's toy is when you know darn well that it's sitting in the bottom of last weeks trash
*you've ever cleaned poop off of floors, walls, fingers, shopping carts, bathtubs, carseats, beds, and yourself
*sometimes they drive you crazy when you're with them, but you always miss them like crazy when you're without them!

18 comments:

Kelmarie said...

Oh Jamie, I love it!!!! You are so funny. I love the skin falling off your feet one and the Astroglide. One time when we were little, we found my dad's condoms and played with them all afternoon. We thought they were really cool balloons. They must have been un-lubricated...

Jodee said...

well said jame! love the bf one- classic!

Chelsea said...

Hey--it was raspberry jam!! ;)

Kristina said...

So funny Jamie! I have caught myself swaying in store lines more than once! Pretty embarrassing, especially when you are just holding a loaf of bread!

Littles said...

Oh Jamie, thanks for the much needed laugh! Seriously I can totally relate. Hope you are doing well with the babes, can you believe how old they are getting(I know that sound lame bc Ella is almost 4 months but gosh it is going fast!)

nicole said...

I'm always worried Mags has stopped breathing too. At least once a night I'll go in there and put my hand on her back to feel and wake her up. I can't stop!

WishTrish said...

Jamie you are such a gifted writer! Love it.

Jessica said...

eeeek!

does kylie still have a blog? or was that just a one day thing??? lol

Bunch of Brooks' said...

That's pretty funny, Jamie. I can't believe you can remember and come up with all these things, but they're so true. The majority of them have happened to me too; I guess I just haven't ever sat and thought about them. You made me laugh!!!

Amber! said...

So true! I am so guilty of the digging out of the nose. I am anti booger!
We have also been there for astroglide!
And the McDonalds toy! That also applies to the obnoxious Scooby Doo videos that I detest and Dan loves.

Michelle Y. said...

I love it! I have totally been there and woken up my baby to see if they are breathing. I love the "astroglide" comment, too funny. You will have to remind me to tell you what Tyler was getting out of the garbage and about to eat...And Tanner was just pointing out every blemish on my face just the other day, like I didn't already notice!

Suni said...

So true...and so funny!!

Janessa said...

Thanks for the daily dose of Jamie-ism. You have always been such a great writer. You should totally be a columnist writer..."Keepin' it real for all you mom's". It's amazing that moms survive motherhood and kids survive childhood. It's definitely a learning experience. I wonder at what age Kylie's going to be reading through your blog book and come across this entry and be like, "Balloons and hair gel?!" Ha, ha, ha!

Nichols Family said...

I think all of those have happened at our house. The condom one cracks me up. Thanks for sharing!

Ann said...

Hillarious!

Love that!

marcee said...

Jamie, you are SO creative! I love the breastfeeding one- so you don't have to fast! Hilarious. I was just talking with a friend the other day about how the more kids I had the more I enjoyed breastfeeding. What? Time to put the kids to bed? Oh honey, can you do it? I have to feed the baby...

Rohm Family said...

You forgot another reason why we are still nursing- to have boobs instead of wilted baloons :)

Brooke & The Boys said...

JAMIE!!!!! I am crying cause I'm laughing so hard!!!!! Loved this post :) Every item is SO true. I miss you, and loved all the updates. Maddox is just as cute as they come. I hope your holidays went well. Take Care :)